Awkwardness happens.  Food helps. Each week, EATS will help you figure out how to eat your way out of the weirdness.

This week: eating with a little sister or little brother type who has a crush on you.

Next time: eating with your visiting, non-English-speaking cousin your parents dropped upon your doorstep.

 
Maybe you grew up with him and helped change his diapers.  Or it could have been that kid you tutored your senior year of high school.  In any case, it’s been revealed to you via a thinly-veiled blog post or a voicemailed confession that so-and-so has a burning, yearning crush on you.  Eeep!  But you don’t feel the same way.  Double eep!  But you’ve got plans to hang out this upcoming weekend.

Thoughts that Might Cross Your Mind:

• I like him, I really, really like him – in fact, he’s my favorite person EVER!  Just…not in that way.

• This changes everything.  Dammit!  Why?!!

• Deleting him as my Facebook friend or blocking him on gchat would make me feel like a horrible, horrible person. 

• Oh.  This explains why that unrequited love-of-my-life disappeared from AIM back in ’05.  And stopped replying to my texts. 

• Being subtle and playing it cool might not work.  He’s dense enough as it is.

• What if I’m just straight up with him?  Will he hate me forever and not want to be my friend anymore?

• To confront or not to confront?

Personally, I am all for being honest and direct with the other person, but having conducted a brief survey around Eats offices and beyond, I’ve been offered up these responses:

• Be a jerk.  “I would be passive aggressive, try to make myself less attractive by cussing.”

• Say, “I’m so glad we can just go out for a good meal together and not have the pressure or awkwardness of a date” and then invent an imaginary person you’re dating to seal the deal.

• Another person advised me to be “stern yet compassionate” – and then to soften the blow with some good old-fashioned liquor.

• Still yet another coworker thought it best to invite a 3rd wheel along for the ride and to act very aloof towards the crusher.

Surprisingly enough, most responders were very against the prospect of confrontation whereas only a couple of people felt that honesty was the most compassionate route.  So, in this very special edition of “You Want Awkward With That?” I shall be mapping out two different routes: one for the blunt eater and the other for the more passive aggressively-inclined diner.

For The Brave:  Honesty may be the best policy.  It demonstrates that you respect him even though you may not dig him in "that way." The trick is to avoid coming off as patronizing.  Be direct, be brave: isn’t going off on 3-hour road trips in search of the nearest White Castle so much cooler than shopping around for cheesy 3-month anniversary presents?  Whether or not he agrees, emphasize that this is your stance, that this is all you can offer – take it or leave it.  Address it, keep it short and then whisk him off to your next eating adventure to show that you mean it when you say he’s still a very important person in your life.

For The Not-So-Brave:  Either you’re not very good at confrontation – eep! – or the crusher in question has a sensitive soul.  Little white lies about imaginary lovers may seem like an easy way out, but what happens when the truth comes to light?  The obstacle to this imaginary romance is not an imaginary girlfriend.  For you, the route to take is to show and not tell.  Invite a third wheel and encourage him to do the same.  This conveys the message that you view this as a platonic outing.  Keep physical contact brief and the mood light.  If he ever brings up the subject of romance, change the topic and hope he gets it.  If he broaches the topic of that drunken text, gently stress that alcohol-induced texting is about as brilliant an idea as that time when you both dumped Jell-O into the swimming pool to see what would happen.

What You Want to Avoid:

• Happy Hours and Local Bars: This could be a very, very bad idea.  First of all, drunken lips can sink all ships – namely friendships.  Words may come out harsher than you had originally intended and ruin something so easily salvageable.  Secondly, sharing the truth with your bar buddy can bring out the emotional drunk in him.  Lastly, beer goggles can wave a magic fairy wand over your libido, which can lead to something very counterproductive, indeed!

• A Quiet, Low-Key Place Where the Two of You Can Talk: Look, this isn’t romantic dinner for two – much less, The Breakup Conversation!  Stop being so friggin patronizing or making it out to be so much more dramatic than it has to be.  All you're doing is letting him know that you're not into him.  Plus, there’s only so many different ways in which you can say that you like him, but that you don’t like-like him. 

• That Special Place: It could be that tire swing at your favorite park or that 24-hour taqueria you frequent every other weekend.  No, this may not be The Breakup Conversation, but it may certainly feel that way to the little buddy you’re hanging with.  Use a little sensitivity.  If that unrequited crush took you to what you deemed as your “special” place and told you that he wasn’t into you, wouldn’t that ruin the memories?  If not it'd certainly ruin the food.

 
Ideal Location:

• Somewhere new so you don’t potentially ruin a favorite shake shack or taqueria with a bummer memory.  This also prevents your crush from attaching any more romantic meanings or notions to the dinner.  This should be a fun outing, not a nostalgic trip down memory lane.

• Large, lively crowds are a great way to set a casual, platonic and fun mood.  It’s all about the framing your outing.  This communicates that the said crush does not define the friendship and that you two can still have fun when you hang out. 

• Activity-centered.  Whether it’s a round of miniature golf or a late afternoon of paintballing, keeping your outing high-energy will keep the conversation light, the mood buoyant and moments of awkwardness on the down low. 

BEST DINING SITUATION:  An activity-centered location that’s adult-friendly.

Activity-centered. That sounds broad.  But broad is the way to go, my friend.  In the world of platonic friendships, the world is your oyster.  No need to worry about when to start holding hands, who’s paying for what or the impulse to prove that you’re an interesting person with your encyclopedic knowledge of molecular gastronomy or pop cultural subcultures.  Dude!  Aren’t you glad that you two aren’t dating?  This is the message you want to send to your little brother or kid sister type – that the friendship is so much cooler without the romance. 

Dining Suggestions:

•  If your friend's tech-savvy, this may be the most awesome place to dine.  This interactive, social restaurant features  at-the-table touchscreens that let you play networked video games with fellow diners, catch up on internet-based entertainment and order food. 

Dave & Buster’s (Philadelphia, PA)

• Branded as the Chuck E. Cheese for adults, Dave & Buster’s is where you can both let your inner kid and casino-addict roam free.  A mix of arcade and carnival-style games will keep you occupied while the competition for tickets will be sure to keep the mood platonic and fun.

Copper Monkey Restaurant & Bar  (Beaverton, OR)

• Athletically-inclined?  Burgers, pizza and Mississippi-style ribs are served up in this high-energy atmosphere…which just so happens to be located next to Beaverton’s Laserport, a 5,000 square foot, fogged laser tag arena filled with ultraviolet lighting, strobes, wall-mounted lasers, light displays and techno.

Written by Alice Shin